| go to this |
[24 Nov 2008|07:57pm] |
i don't use livejournal anymore.
untitledstills.blogspot.com
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| players only love you when they're playin' |
[15 Jul 2008|05:44pm] |
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fleetwood mac |
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last page: my thoughts always come out in bursts of fragments, like a thousand tiny needles sprayed onto my linoleum kitchen floor struggling to find magnetic north.
see 2 pages previous (date unknown): i find i am often concerned about the things i do not know. i feel badly for not knowing them and consequently feel overwhelmed at where to start absorbing. therefore, i find it helpful (starting now)((when?)) to closely observe what is actually in front of me. things i know by observance, which will lead to inference from there i may research and begin to know. After i know, i am able to write what I think about things because i will have enough foresight to be trusted. but i must first have more trust in myself.
next page: the sound of the janitor in my photo building is emptying the garbage cans; filling them with new bags- shaking them open. from a distance this sounds like a ballet dance in black and white with no actual sound. transmission of sound directly to image occurring somewhere in brain. it is elegant and flowing like a pirouette mid air that will never again touch the stage. like a caress, or opening bottle of soda; or like your love slowly approaching you in the grass.
intermission: a larger thought on film development
fixing by inspection:
fix, check, fix, check, fix, check... until fixed. some film cannot ever fully be ‘fixed’ this way, though. if there was an error in development it cannot be fixed during the fix period. see also: character flaws due to childhood tragedy and a young bob dylan’s voice.
present- not yet on paper- still never having been in love. most days feeling guilty about things i have done but more about things i have not done. frustration due to lack of communication with people near me and too much communication with people far away from orlando, fl that i wish resided in orlando, fl. (new and old friends) speaking to too many people who tell me they are depressed and stuck, knowing the feeling, but to what extent? not ever being able to fully empathize with someone no matter how open my mind and heart are- wanting to be better for them. i could slice my chest open and bash my head on the ground until my guts and brain are pouring onto aforementioned linoleum kitchen floor and still not know 100%. not like simply orange is 100% orange and so satisfying. wanting to make so many things: instructional guide to free/creative thinking, a flip book, short film using overhead projector, new black and white portfolio. but what do i spend my time doing? indulging in lust and people and new bikes and alcohol and never feeling rested and craving amphetamines for “focus”. i blaze through my day and at the end of the night i am sitting in a pile of all my clothes on my DARK bedroom floor, too tired to pick them up and make space to be productive in and nothing has been made and maybe some feelings have been hurt. feelings of contentment are always so intense and short lived, like i assume the high of smack is. someone needs to give me a little smack in the face sometimes.
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[10 Jun 2008|05:09pm] |
summer lovin happend so fast, summer lovin havin a blast. ive really been liking my perception lately and a boy. i wish i took more pictures but i feel increasingly enthusiastic as i see my pictures and i have so much film and lots of cameras to use and lots of people that i love and lots of hope and less and less anxiety every day. i only sort of wish i had a plan for the next few years after i graduate from DBC(C) but i honestly don't even want to think about it right now because i really like where i'm at. july will bring Chicago and Chicago will bring all my favorite bands and people (we're going to pitchfork). i wish i made more money, how does one do that? when is anp quarterly going to get here and when am i going to get to see Mr. Lonely? i've been dreaming about living in nyc or cali lately in the least superficial sort of way and in a more artist collaboration/really desiring to be around people doing things/wanting a big city to be my home sort of way; but then i just crave being in winter park, florida and riding my bike anywhere and hoping to not wake up with one more bruise (and probably drinking 3 beers).
( more )
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| i wanna slide you up under my tee shirt |
[22 Mar 2008|10:12am] |
i had a cool dream that i was walking down this really picturesque highway at sunset, or right before sunset so all the colors were really saturated, and i was filming with a little handy cam and there was background music playing everywhere, and phil elevrum was walking next to me and he was so friendly.
i drove to new port richey thursday at sunset and i75 was so beautiful and the sky was blowing my mind.
we should be moving in to our new house by april 1st (unless someone plays fools on us)
this new life is going to be nice
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[19 Mar 2008|11:43pm] |
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reaching quiet |
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In elementary school there was this girl named Melissa Pemberton (which later morphed into pimple-head or something). She had red hair and freckles. I remember her being sort of a misfit, probably due to her estranged home life, rendering her socially awkward or unacceptable. I feel like social class was always a big deal, even at that age, kids knew if you were poor; and I think some kids formed complexes about it once they got to middle school, and by then either everything was fucked in your mind or you were completely oblivious.
Melissa was a runner. I'd dare say the fastest girl in our grade (she was older than me so probably failed a few times). I have this semi-vivid memory that I recalled late last night while listening to the stories of two wonderful boys from Baltimore. I remember hearing the bell ring for recess and seeing all the kids stampeding towards the playground in front of me. I remember the car ramp and huge blacktop that we'd have to migrate over before reaching the jungle (gym). Melissa was the leader of the pack. She'd kick off her scuffed mary-janes mid sprint and circle the whole playground area with all the other kids chasing after her(it must have been 3 acres of space). I feel like I was standing behind the double glass doors in the hallway watching all the kids running with her in the lead. She would always get in trouble afterwards for having dirty feet.
The only time I ever visited Melissa's house (she lived down the street) I ended up crying because her older sister made fun of my bike (the handle bars kept getting pulled out and my seat said 'cheeks' on it). My sisters and I went over there because she really wanted us to and we were sick of hanging out at our house all the time. I don't think Melissa was even really our friend. It was really dark and smoky inside her house. Her really old grandma was sitting on the couch in front of one of those plastic gallon ice cream tubs, but it was just full of cigarettes and she chain smoked them while the tv glowed. We weren't aloud to really go into any of the rooms in her house, just out back. Her pool area was really nice, like all new with one of those built in Jacuzzis and screened in. It was way nicer than my pool. Then around the corner her grandma's pet pot bellied pig was just hanging out. I think we tried to play a board game by the pool because it was too smoky inside and her sisters were probably doing drugs or something, but I we all just felt way too uncomfortable and went home.
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[15 Feb 2008|01:52am] |
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| i want to be swallowed by a field of wheat; i want to see snow land on my feet |
[10 Feb 2008|02:53pm] |
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why? and why? covers |
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i see an increase in cassette tapes, vhs tapes, aerobics, and black and white film in my near future.
afraid my dads new company will be highly exploitative and don't know what to do about it.
in constant anticipation of seeing a certain face.
trying to write a real song, ending up with lame samples and field recordings.
not knowing what to take pictures of.
need drop bars for bike and more photo paper and developer.
i want to like every single person i meet; i wanna look up and see a mountain peak
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[31 Jan 2008|12:20am] |
birdie added these to our favorites:
( grand finale )
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[17 Jan 2008|12:19am] |
I never go nowhere, man
I never go nowhere
Traffic’s bad out there, man.
I’m savin’ wear and tear.
I like conditioned air, man
I never go nowhere
I go
Upstairs, downstairs, backyard, lawn chairs,
Living room, bathroom, bedroom, furnace room,
Hot-tub, cedar deck, build a fire, washer/dryer,
Pantry, patio, Bartiromo video,
Cold cellar, rec room, ping-pong, mah jongg,
Beer count wearin’ thin, speed dial,
Order in.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere
It’s dangerous out there, man
Might ‘a been a big bomb scare.
Hard to get off of this easy chair.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere
I go
Online, dsl, amazon, buy and sell,
Ebay, layaway, last bid noon today,
Plasma, Judy Judge, broadband, Matt Drudge,
J.Crew, B&N, dotcom, CNN
JPEG, e.mail, pop-up she-male
Shower cam, filter spam, slam bam.
I think it’s ma’am
I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man
Never gonna go nowhere
It’s a bungled jungle out there, man
Some kid got mauled by a bear
Surround sound in my own lair
I ain’t goin’ nowhere….
I got
Perimeter, motion, doggie door, mail call
Peep hole, Avon, wireless, strobes on.
PIN Code, keypad, relay, pepper spray,
Homebase, interface, three-zone, plug ‘n play.
Infra-red, photocell, squad car, decibel,
Choppers up, sonic boom,
Activate the panic room.
I’m on,
Ritalin, Coumadin, Zantac, Lipitor
Diazepam, Nexium, Prevacid, Percocet
Levitra, Levaquin, Elavil, Fosomax,
Plavix, Keflex, Next day Fedex
Zithromax Avalox, Flexeril, Topomax,
Prozac, Ativan, Aderol,
I take ‘em all.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man.
Never gonna go nowhere
I’m cuttin’ my own hair, man
Nothin’ I need out there.
Outside sunny but inside cher
I ain’t goin’ nowhere.
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[08 Dec 2007|07:07am] |
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haven't slept in 24 hours, Miami is the worst city i've ever been to, ariel pink is the most beautiful man i've ever seen, birdie can sing along to a song in her sleep
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[02 Dec 2007|10:32pm] |
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milo goes to college |
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it's 4am make love to me
make 4am love to me
i need more pictures of males
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[08 Oct 2007|02:01am] |
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we got a new little puppy named cheese. he's a papillon, white with black spots and a black head i think and hes really small and fluffy. hopefully chunks doesn't step on him. ill post pictures sometime.
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[02 Oct 2007|12:52am] |
\ive really been enjoying the weather lately. well the last 2 days or maybe just today, well maybe the last 3 days. Georgia was better than i could have imagined which usually doesn't happen. i only took 3 pictures while i was there, but there was just too much to do i guess or i was lazy or thinking about other things and just trying to enjoy everything.
not rushing through the day just so it's over is what i am currently focusing on.
but heres some pictures from last night.
( Read more... )
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| if only i had been born 2 decades earlier. |
[25 Sep 2007|11:12am] |
the artists in residence for the year 1984 at the Atlantic center for the arts
1984
ROBERT FRANK/Video Artist & Photographer
ALLEN GINSBERG/Poet
ELVIN JONES/Jazz Musician
this class is so unbearable all i can do is daydream about being somewhere else where people care about things and are doing something significant and new.
leaving for Atlanta tonight to see animal collective and also as a slight means of escape from Orlando for me and my 2 closest friends and to explore Georgia a bit maybe dressed as Indians (hopefully equipped with breakthrough tiger shirts and headdresses)
be careful boy when the fog rolls in
clouds up your vision like a shot of gin
like thinkin' a girl's fly but she really just poopin'
get outta there fast like you heard someone shootin.
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| just a couple |
[05 Sep 2007|10:24am] |
of the yip pics. i took 3 rolls though.
( mo )
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| pictures |
[03 Sep 2007|12:08am] |
final project for a color slide class over the summer. friends in the manner of roger ballen.
 ( .png.tiff )
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[29 Aug 2007|02:12am] |
i think i want to start either a new blog page with only weekly photo updates, or start posting my pictures on here or something. i need to get my pictures out there somehow
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| marnie stern and zach hill are true shredders. |
[14 Aug 2007|10:33pm] |
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on shuffle for the sake of variety |
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next semester i have classes at 8am and 9am and will probably be working at 11am on the days when those classes do not meet. (they meet Tuesdays and Fridays) hopefully by aug. 22 i will have my medium format camera and some ideas that are fresh or maybe even some material that is fresh to show my teacher my wacky and jumbled thought process. hopefully throughout next semester i will be able to focus on something and get good at it. maybe i will even find a job or internship or assisting job somewhere... pitas are getting really old. on Friday I'll leave for Idaho for 11 days and returning will basically mark the end of my summer break. it seriously felt like no time, but was really rad in retrospect... and different.
next semester i will certainly be an early bird and perhaps i will get a worm.
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| updater |
[28 Jul 2007|03:52pm] |
it's been raining everyday in the place where your license plate says 'sunshine state'
my trip to Baltimore was intensely surreal and hazy, as i was not sober for most of it, but even still i was able to notice all the differences between our cities and the differences between the people who live in our cities and realize that a big city is somewhere i would like to live for a portion of my life at some point, maybe kind of soon. i overwhelmingly missed the familiarities of home, which i often do when i spend time away, but upon arriving home i instantly missed the group of people i called my friends while in balt. Philly, from what i gathered, is a really weirdly beautiful place that i would like to actually visit for more than one night.
i took pictures on my trip but will probably never scan them in. ive been drawing a blank lately when i sit down to fill a blank page with words or pictures and it's really bugging me. also, i feel so strange and i can't tell if its because i' getting sick or i haven't eaten or that I've been drinking way more than i usually do. i would like to start gathering things to make collages out of but every time i go to the bookstore in the library it's closed. i got some cool shoes at t-ko today.
ore and ore i appreciate songs that have becoe very failiar and i realize that y ' ' key just broke on y keyboard.
( i got to see a paperrad exhibit there: )
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[18 Jul 2007|03:16am] |
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usually i just don't know.
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| i thought i felt your shape but i was wrong |
[26 May 2007|02:24am] |
when the light is different i can feel it in more ways than through my eyes and new impressions and the significance of a voice and how it churns my gut and triggers my minds eyes to make up memories about a person i hardly know and that person as a feeling and idea now, only that way actually. and the need for a closed door, i dont want to see into the non-potential relationship and a laugh that i loved and a smile so warm but a touch with selfish intentions. a life so far away.
leaving for L.A. in 3 hours.
update ipod, pack film and new flash and hope im able to make a good exposure when necessary.
thats all really.
it was dumb to hold so tight.
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| i have to learn how to learn before i can learn |
[22 May 2007|01:23am] |
i think that probably it is better to assume that you are doing the right thing if you are being selfless, rather than looking out for your own neck, in most cases. or in any case involving someone you love or who loves you. and the first statement is probably obvious, but at least for me, it is hard to remember to step out of my eyes and mind and remember that the feelings i have are only felt by me and the body on the other end of the phone line has different feelings and thoughts and their eyes and my eyes can never ever switch places. so maybe i can stick post its to the inside of my brain that say "remember to be polite especially when you feel like shit" and "care about what your friends care about, or at least try" "take more things seriously" and "don't forget that compassion for others you used to have so much of... its hiding in there somewhere" and "let your friends know you are grateful to know them and that they are beautiful"
and love will find me someday and rainy days bring butterflies to my stomach and alone time in cardboard boxes knees pulled up to chest smelling the wet pavement then laying on the pavement while it still holds heat from the sun and letting the cold rain fall on my back and watch tiny ants swirl around in cement rivers. and its okay to let people go. and not everyone is going to love you. and keep in touch with people because those things matter. and make things just so they exist, because the world needs them; like paper sea creatures and color prints of your sisters and banners on highways and people will notice if you keep things looking tidy and clean or if you remember what they order for lunch every week.
and music does not belong to you or me, try to think about the artist who made it. it does not define who we are or what we are like and if someone likes really cool things that doesn't mean they will treat you with respect. and if someone doesn't like really cool things they can be really really nice or treat you really well, and getting wrapped up in perception and how your life is going to be can completely erase the present; and that's all we ever have.
and if you get kicked, you don't gotta kick the dog... even though the dog's probably going to chase the cat and the cat probably deserves it.
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| i found this in my notebook this morning apparently i wrote it down last while i was passing out |
[11 May 2007|11:55pm] |
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this is:
for all the farts i held in
for all the stream of consciousness phrases i never wrote down
for all the rolls of film i didn't shoot
for all the boys i could have fallen in love with
for all the friends i treated badly
for all the type-writers i wish i could type this on
for all the potentially significant moments i let slip because i was too aware of their potential
for all the albums i should have heard 3 years ago
for all the albums i wish i had
for all the people who will be born the second after i die and grow into beautiful people i will never know that i could have loved
for feeling grown up at the wrong times
for feeling hopeless
for seeing the 'bigger picture' when its all the small pictures that count
for thinking about what others are thinking about
for wanting more than anything to fall in love
for falling asleep while writing this
for waking up sleepy
for making temporary decisions about life so i feel better
for never using pencils
for wanting something better for others
for conor oberst
for honesty
for charles bukowski
for getting goosebumps at the same time as birdie
for repetition
for context
for smoking too many cigarettes
for smoking too many bowls
for not being polite enough
for anything i can think of
for inside jokes
for gary monroe
for all the people who ever lived in the whole world and the idea of that is so overwhelming that just thinking about it does them all justice
for the friend of a friend you never made friends with
for jealousy
for sincerity
for egos
for funny looking animals
i forgot what all this is for
for liking the feeling of being bruised or sore
for not needing cohesiveness or a sense of completeness.
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[01 May 2007|12:58am] |
it all just adds up to: i'm going crazy.
how can you not?
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| even protesters don't have minds of their own. |
[29 Apr 2007|10:26am] |
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every second i am floating through a dream like a st. Patty's day parade blimp with tiny stings tying me to something real with a person dangling from the string that is either strong enough to keep me grounded or i pull them off the ground and they float along with me.
my mind has a mind of its own. my heart needs a place to call home.
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| we really made sgt. peppers lonely farts club. initiation=farting |
[09 Apr 2007|11:14pm] |
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rare image of john and ringo while recording sgt. peppers lonley hearts club band.
i don't know what else to say. crazy things happen. nothing happens. euphoric moments are more scarce lately. feeling disconnected from most things is more frequent lately. wanting to share everything is how i mostly feel. the thought of finding a boy to share happiness and kisses with passes through my head daily, i think. i wish... i don't know. nothing feels significant anymore. external hard drive means extreme slsk-age.
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[25 Mar 2007|02:44pm] |
if i were my dog i wouldn't have to talk to anyone.
i could roll in the grass and stare at the lake and the breeze would blow my fur in swirls.
someone would be in charge of feeding me and i could always poop and pee in the grass.
someone would scratch my back once or twice a day.
playing outside with siblings never gets old. never too old.
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| stuff me in your bones |
[14 Mar 2007|03:55am] |
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my life is seriously nuts. not even really nuts in any tangible way, that's what makes it even better. my friends and i just have this way of amplifying any situation or idea into something so catastrophic to the point of a panic attack, or laugh-till-you-literally-puke, or get nervous till you cry lifestyle that i wouldn't trade for anything.
but seriously, apart from all that, just a life of beauty in the simplest and purest form and just my perception and enjoying it all and loving my friends and trying my hardest to express all that through pictures.
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[27 Feb 2007|12:33am] |
there's some primordial dwarfs living in me pumping phlegm into my lungs every second.
I want a patch of blue sky to follow me.
(and lately i think it has)
((and by lately i mean the past couple of days, but that counts))
(((feeling better feels good, physically and everythingally)))
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| a reminder to myself/a fresh start/being |
[19 Feb 2007|06:38pm] |
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indulging or trying to indulge in:
curiosity
optimism
naivety
staying focused, but more specifically focusing on not thinking about one thing or person.
exploring:
my sensibility as a photographer
places that are familiar
peoples interactions with their environment
places that have yet to be modernized
abandoned places
abandoned people
abandoned minds
spells of boredom and unobtrusiveness and apathy and loneliness hinder me in every aspect of my life, and it's not necessarily an internalization of anything but maybe half of it is and half is just coming from me so the half that is coming from me i can fix and the half that is coming from somewhere else i can stop fixating on. i am aware of the spells as they come but become so indulged in them that i don't even want to fix it but when they get better its easy to see that i do love the world and there is still lots to do. lots to be done, no goals just constant doing. looking for things looking for love. not finding things not finding love, its still all alright to me.
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[13 Feb 2007|09:10pm] |
Hide in the hiding place where no one ever goes.
lets vivify everything
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[08 Feb 2007|06:52pm] |
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[06 Feb 2007|02:32am] |
right now i am sleepy.
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| family portrait |
[06 Feb 2007|02:06am] |
my father as me. my mother as a balloon. my sisters as a pattern. chunks as a monkey.
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[30 Jan 2007|07:46am] |
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What more can i ask for than a morning this beautiful?
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thebeesneeze's journal
